Welcome to the How Are You distinction.
I invite you to listen to this as if this is you and your life. See what reveals itself to you in this story.
And at the end, I’ll also share The MOST powerful way to answer this question any time, any where…no matter what is going on in your life.
How many times a day do you ask or answer the question how are you? I’m sure it’s a lot.
We open conversations with “How are you?”. We use it in lieu of “Hello”. We get asked it and we ask it back. Over, and over, and over.
The one thing I know for sure is this:
How I’m able to answer “How are You?” is hugely dependant on my stress levels.
My answer is based on my nervous system’s capacity to navigate what’s present and real for me in the moment.
I remember when I was working 80 hours a week in technology. My standard response to “How Are You?” always was some variation of “I’m so busy. It’s crazy this week!”
My stress was literally my response. (And because EVERYONE was stressed, this was the expected and acceptable answer.)
I remember in the early stress-filled years after my daughter was diagnosed. My answer to this question would always reflect something medical and the strain of being in the situation, as well as the huge energy and effort that I was pouring into the fight to re-establish wellbeing in her.
My answer always leaked my feelings all over the other person.
After my father passed, I remember the micro-seconds after that question was floated toward me. I was always tempted to hide the fact that I was walking through a grief portal by saying that I was great or even just fine — all in an effort to not make the other person uncomfortable.
For a millisecond, it seemed right to keep both of us safe instead of honouring and standing in my truth that I was indeed, walking through a period of grief.
Then, there were in those moments when my life or my business seemed to be crumbling around me. I remember the urge to paint on a smile and throw out a falsely optimistic response to prove something about how strong, or skilled, or capable I was.
Here’s the thing.
Answering from stress only adds to stress.
It doesn’t matter if you’re leaking your feelings, or trying to create safety, or a false sense of capability, each of these answers are beacons to the brain that only deepen the signal that “No, you’re Not Safe.”
As a result, your unconscious brain will alway trigger your fight-flight-freeze-collapse response, as it does in times of danger or perceived danger.
By answering from stress, you will be eroding your ability to create genuine connection with the person asking, and adding to the weight you carry in your nervous system.
So how DO you answer “How Are You?” Powerfully, honestly and in a way that doesn’t add to your stress?
Simple.
You stay present.
You answer from the present.
Here’s the other thing we know.
When you are feeling stressed, you’re operating from the past, or an assumed future. Things weren’t OK back then, or they are not going to be ok in the future. Thus your stress defences go up.
The more appropriately present you can be, the more you open a window for your nervous system to be accurately in the moment.
The most powerful answer:
How am I?
Right now, in this moment, I’m so pleased to see you. How are you??